An Audit on my soul about Sons, Safety, the Cornell 7 & Processing the Frightening Reality of Men

I am coming to this page today in a state where I do not even fully know what to think. I do not know what to be. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that I am a child of God. I know that much.

This post is not theology. I am not standing on a platform trying to teach anyone, nor am I asking you to follow along with my conclusions. I am writing this because I need to do a soul audit in real time. I am trying to figure out what God is showing me and directing me towards out loud, right here on the blog.

Over the last few weeks, the news surrounding the Cornell 7 case has been sitting so heavily on my heart. A young woman was physically and sexually brutalised for hours on end. And in the background of that horrific violence was a group chat- whether it was 50 or 57 men, the number 50 keeps being bandied around- filled with male onlookers who sat by, watched, and participated in the atmosphere of it.

When I look at things like that, it brings me straight into my own soul audit, because I can only speak for myself.

I have lost relationships behind the way I think about this, and to be completely honest, I have no issue with losing those relationships. As an individual, I am able to separate what someone else is saying from who I am as a person. But everyone who has ever known me knows that I have always wanted to be a girl mom and the people I am talking about took issue with that stance. I want to be the mother of girls. I know I would thrive at it. I would take immense pleasure in parenting them, even with all the specific difficulties that raising girls can bring.

But I have also made it painfully clear that I do not want to birth boys. At all.

Initially, I used to tell myself it was just a personality thing. I thought, I don’t have it in me to raise a boy. I don’t have the patience for their antics. I don’t find the things they think are great to be cute. I would look at boys and- forgive me for saying this- they just did not strike me as amazing. When other parents say, “Oh, my baby boy is so cute, he’s great at this,” I can see why they feel that way and appreciate why they do; because he is their son, not mine.

But if I am being brutally honest in this audit, my stance goes so much deeper than patience or preference.

When I look at cases like those rapists, I realize: I am not confident I can raise a young man who will not harm a woman.

And because of the deep love I have for the girl child, I feel that in order to mitigate that risk, it is best for me not to bring a young man into this world at all. Is this in God’s plan for my life? I honestly do not know.

Please hear me clearly. I am a believer. I do not believe in abortion under any circumstances; abortion is worship to Molech, and God hates murder. That is not what this is about. I am talking about the choice of what I bring into existence from the start. I am simply not confident I can raise a son who will respect women.

Even if he does not become an active rapist, I am not confident he will not be the boy in that group chat who stays silent, falling in line with his peers. People always say, “When you’re raising a boy, the real problems start when they get out into the world and get exposed to friends and mentors etc.” When we say that, we are essentially admitting that parenting a boy is almost pointless, because he will ultimately end up in the hands of strangers whose values you do not know or trust- strangers who hold more influence over him than you do. You are completely at the mercy of the culture and men in it.

And then I turn the mirror on my own life. Suppose I decide to get married. I am obviously marrying someone’s son. But how can I ever truly know the values he comes with?

You take a step back from the Cornell case and look at the horrifying cases of men drugging their wives to rape them, or the case of Giselle Pelicot, whose husband systematically allowed dozens of strange men into their home to violate her for pocket change. You look at that and you realize: As a woman, at no point in the natural am I safe.

We live in a culture that tells us men are our natural protectors. I saw a clip once where a man asked a woman, “If men aren’t around, who is going to protect you?” And she simply asked him, “From who?” He was deeply offended, because it had never even occurred to him that men are the apex predator of women. That is not how God originally designed it in Eden, but in a fallen world, that is the reality we navigate every day.

Even the physical protection argument falls apart when you look at it closely. I grew up on a farm, so I am not scared of animals, lizards, or insects. I have been in rooms where a tiny rat shoots across the floor and full-grown men are jumping onto tables in terror. And I find myself thinking: Are these the people we are supposed to rely on to protect us from violent predators, when they are running from a rat?

We women are forced to navigate an absolute minefield. Even with men I respect immensely- men who are genuinely amazing in so many ways- I have had to realise that you cannot give on all fronts blanket respect to anyone. You can respect a man’s strength or his gifts or even how he handles his weaknesses and blind spots, while simultaneously drawing a line and saying, “I do not respect your closet misogyny etc. I do not respect the way you blame everyone and everything else for everything men do.” It doesn’t mean he isn’t an amazing person in other areas, but it means the flaw is there.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me right back at the feet of Jesus.

The only thing I, Nyangu, can say at the end of this audit is that I am only truly safe in the hands of God. I have to trust that I am safe in His care, and I have to trust Him with whoever He chooses to place me in partnership with.

I don’t have all the answers. I am just a daughter bringing her fears, her observations, and her raw heart to the Bench, trusting that God is big enough to hold the weight of my honesty.

The Tactical Soul Audit: Safety, Fear, and Human Nature

If you are walking through your own warehouse today trying to make sense of the world, sit with these questions:

1. Where have I placed my expectations of safety in human beings rather than anchoring them strictly in the sovereignty of God?
2. Am I holding onto blanket respect for people, or am I exercising biblical discernment to see human flaws without losing my own peace?
3. What fears about the future or potential children do I need to hand back to the Father today?

The Executive Proclamation

“Father, You are my ultimate refuge and my only true Fortress. In a world marked by darkness, violence, and unpredictable human nature, I confess that my safety and my future are held securely in Your hands alone. I lay down the burden of trying to control what I cannot guarantee, and I yield my fears about relationships, protection, and parenting at Your feet. Teach me to navigate this world with sharp discernment, pure faith, and an unshakeable trust in Your character. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Take the Work Off the Airwaves

• Get the Literature: Complete your foundational library soon! Grab Out of the Strong, Something Sweet: 33 Biblical Concepts for Freedom alongside The Believer’s Life Cycle and The Evangelist’s Life Cycle directly on Amazon or via our website shop at www.sinceremilksolidfood.org!
• Do the Deep Work: Pick up your physical copy of Guided Journal: Vol 1 to process your soul audits, clear out hidden fears, and build daily spiritual discipline! [Shop the Bookstore]
• Listen to the Deep-Dive: Stream the Sincere Milk & Solid Food podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and visit our central digital hub at www.sinceremilksolidfood.org for complete transcripts, study guides, and blog deep-dives!

Confronting the Mandatory Closing Questions

Before you close this post, confront your heart with these non-negotiable diagnostic questions:

• What is your salvation story? (Not a generic religious summary, but your exact testimony of moving out of captivity and into covenant authority).
• Is your salvation sure? (Is your legal standing ratified in the Blood, or are you still relying on emotional feelings and human proxy)?
• Is it well with your soul? (When you remove all external performance, noise, and human approval, are you operating from true Kingdom peace or hidden internal turmoil)?