Recently, I found myself in a conversation with a pastor friend that left a heavy, uncomfortable residue.
We were discussing relationships, financial roles, and the expectations placed on women in today’s world. As the conversation unfolded, he began pushing a worldview that I see far too often in religious circles: a blatant, hypocritical double standard.
He argued that in today’s modern economic landscape, men should no longer be expected to be the sole financial providers. Fair enough-economic realities have shifted. But in the very same breath, he insisted that even if a woman is earning equal or higher income and carrying half (or more) of the financial load, she is still obligated to offer traditional, archaic forms of submission. He went so far as to suggest that a woman should physically kneel to serve her man water as a display of “honour” and “respect.”
When I pushed back and called out the glaring hypocrisy of this stance, the energy shifted. Suddenly, I was framed as being “difficult,” “argumentative,” or “unsubmissive.”
After the conversation ended, I had to sit down and run an internal diagnostic. Was I being “the problem” for holding my ground? Or was I simply refusing to bow to a weaponized, one-sided doctrine?
1. The Hypocrisy of “Modern Provision” vs. “Archaic Submission”
Let’s look at the mechanics of what is actually being demanded here.
Many men in today’s culture- and specifically within the Church- want to step back from traditional male responsibilities while simultaneously demanding traditional male privileges.
- The Demand: They want modern, new-age, reduced effort when it comes to financial coverage, emotional labor, and household provision.
- The Expectation: They want traditional, ancient, highly performative devotion from the woman carrying that load alongside them.
You cannot have it both ways. If you choose to adopt modern standards for your responsibilities as a man, you cannot demand archaic, feudal submission from a woman. Expecting a woman to over-function in society by matching your financial input, while simultaneously shrinking herself at home to perform servitude, is not “culture” or “godly order”- it is an exercise in power and control disguised as respect.
2. Unmasking Misogynoir and Spiritualized Double Standards
As we dissected this dynamic further, the conversation revealed an even darker, more systemic root: misogynoir-the specific fusion of misogyny and anti-Black racism directed at Black women.
In religious frameworks, scripture is routinely weaponized to keep Black women accountable to extreme traditional expectations, while completely excusing men from their traditional obligations under the banner of “modern economic hard times.”
Black women are expected to be the ultimate mules:
- They must carry heavy financial loads.
- They must carry emotional and domestic burdens.
- They must endure public disrespect without expressing anger.
- And if they dare ask for leadership, provision, or protection before yielding submission, they are judged most harshly as “masculine,” “stubborn,” or lacking “virtue.”
Meanwhile, the very same men who demand these extreme standards from Black women often project an idealised, romanticised, and gentle perception onto women outside their race- viewing them as soft, delicate, and inherently worthy of protection without having to earn it through gruelling labour.
This double standard is toxic, unscriptural, and completely bankrupt of Kingdom integrity.
3. The Logical Fallacy: Money Does Not Buy Authority
To be clear, we must avoid slipping into a transaction-based trap ourselves.
It is easy to fall into the logic of saying, “If I pay 50% of the bills, I don’t have to perform 100% of the servitude.” While that exposes the double standard, relying purely on a financial trade-off accidentally accepts a flawed premise: the idea that money buys authority, or that financial provision automatically entitles a man to ownership over a woman’s soul.
There is a vast difference between:
- A husband who falls on hard times: A man who has established himself as a man of character, integrity, and selflessness, but hits a season of financial trial. A godly woman will stand shoulder-to-shoulder under the yoke with that man without withholding respect.
- A man who enters a relationship unwilling to lead: A man who intentionally targets a high-earning woman to subsidize his lifestyle, while demanding performative acts like kneeling to massage his fragile ego.
Respect in a healthy, covenant relationship is rooted in mutual dignity, character, and Christlike love-not performative rituals or financial ledgers. Performing servitude while carrying an unfair load isn’t honour; it’s emotional codependency.
4. Why Are We Settling?
The real question we as women must ask ourselves is this: Why do so many high-operating, high-earning women settle for men beneath their level of maturity and character?
This is not a call to bash men; it is a call for a deep Soul Audit regarding our own psychological and spiritual desperation.
When a woman has spent her life internalizing rejection or fearing isolation, she will run a “clearance sale” on her soul. She will compromise her boundaries, over-function financially, and perform outdated rituals just to keep a man from walking out the door.
We must stop blaming women for “lacking respect” when the real issue is that they have been conditioned to accept low-effort men out of a fear of being alone.
The Tactical Soul Audit: The Boundary & Respect Check
Take 10 minutes today to sit quietly and audit the standards of your relationships:
- Where am I over-functioning in a relationship to compensate for someone else’s lack of effort or leadership?
- Am I engaging in “performative peace” or fake submission just to manage a fragile ego and avoid conflict?
- Do I value myself at the price tag assigned to me by the Blood of Christ, or am I running a clearance sale on my dignity to avoid isolation?
The Executive Proclamation
“Father, I thank You that You have not called me to shrink, over-function, or perform for human approval. I repent for every instance where I allowed fear, desperation, or false religious guilt to lower my price tag. I break the assignment of double standards, misogynoir, and ungodly control over my mind and relationships. I stand in mutual dignity, grounded in Your Word, and I refuse to compromise the standards You set for my life. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Take the Work Off the Airwaves
- Do the Deep Work: Grab your physical copy of Guided Journal: Vol 1 to run your daily soul audits, dismantle toxic relational blueprints, and establish unshakeable boundaries. [Shop the Bookstore]
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