Whenever a public story of abuse or relational violence breaks, a frustrating, predictable question echoes across social media: “Why do people love defending abusive people?”
If you consult psychologists, therapists, or trauma specialists, you will hear well-documented explanations: trauma-bonding, enmeshment, learned helplessness, or Stockholm Syndrome. All of these dynamics are real, valid, and devastating.
However, there is a specific, sinister group of defenders that these therapeutic frameworks rarely mention- a group that isn’t acting out of trauma, but out of cold, calculated self-preservation.
These are the people who are pre-paying for their own future mistakes.
1. Defending the Loophole: The “Benevolent Abuser”
When you observe someone aggressively defending an abuser- making excuses, blaming the victim, or insisting that “they’re actually a good person at heart- they are rarely defending the individual.
They are defending a legal loophole.
In their minds, staying loyal to an abuser today earns them the right to be protected when it’s their turn to cause harm tomorrow. They view their silence and complicity as a down payment on a “get-out-of-jail-free” card. They don’t want a world governed by unyielding accountability; they want a world where paying your dues through complicity buys you the right to be a “benevolent abuser” later.
They see a man beat or emotionally manipulate his partner, and instead of calling for justice, they compile a litany of rules: “Well, women shouldn’t provoke men. Women shouldn’t talk back. Women should know their place.”
Notice what is happening: They aren’t supporting the man because of his character. They are supporting him because of the abuse he perpetrated. They are protecting the system because, deep down in their unhealed, unsubmitted hearts, they know what they are capable of doing when given power. They have no intention of going to a therapist, nor do they intend to go before God in radical repentance to be transformed. They have simply accepted toxicity as the status quo, and they are safeguarding the right to use it when it suits them.
2. The Tyranny of the Abused: Punching Down in the Cycle
There is another dark mechanic in the cycle of abuse that religious culture refuses to address: the toxic behavior of the victim.
We often assume that someone who is being actively abused is automatically saintly, gentle, or incapable of harm. But if a victim does not process their trauma through true spiritual deliverance and radical personal responsibility, they frequently look for someone below them on whom to unleash their vitriol.
Years ago, I had a close friend. Our lives coincided in a season where we entered a mutually beneficial arrangement to share a home. During this time, she began dating a man long-distance over the phone.
From the beginning, the red flags were glaring. He was controlling, volatile, and manipulative. Eventually, she traveled to her home country for some personal reasons and to meet him. While there, towards the end of her trip; the relationship escalated into horrific physical violence. He beat her so severely that she was left black and blue- so unrecognisable that airport staff nearly barred her from her flight back to the UK because she no longer matched her ID photograph.
When she landed, I cared for her, sat her down, and listened as she detailed the horror of what had happened. Yet, despite being beaten to a pulp, she left him her expensive iPhone, gave him her money, and offered him a second chance- continuing to date him over the phone from the UK.
What happened next was a sobering lesson in human dynamics.
A few days after returning, her demeanor toward me completely shifted. I had worn a pair of her earrings that she brought back to sell- to bring her food at work-something we regularly did as friends who shared clothes and jewellery. When she saw the earrings, she became cross and passive aggressive . I immediately took them off, put them in my pocket, and apologised.
The next day, while I was on the train to work, she sent me a barrage of abusive, berating messages. I offered to pay for them if I had crossed a boundary.She then begun to attack my character, accused me of having no boundaries, and treated me with a vitriol that was entirely disproportionate to the situation. Within three days, she evicted me from the house.
She treated me- the friend who cared for her and respected her- far worse than she treated the man who almost beat her to death.
3. The Warning: The Displaced Target
Why does this happen? Because when a person is trapped in an abusive dynamic where they feel powerless, their unhealed soul craves a target over whom they can exert power.
Instead of confronting the monster abusing them, they turn around and “punch down” at the safest, closest person in their atmosphere- the friend, the sibling, or the colleague who shows them grace. They absorb the poison from their abuser and discharge it onto their loved ones.
As believers seeking “Solid Food” maturity, we must learn this critical boundary: Be exceptionally careful when in close relationship with people who remain in unaddressed, abusive dynamics.
If they refuse to execute an eviction over the monster in their life, they will eventually make you the scapegoat for the rage they cannot express to their oppressor.
The Tactical Soul Audit: Complicity & Displacement Check
Take 10 minutes today to walk through your warehouse and run this diagnostic check:
- Am I defending or making excuses for toxic behavior in others because I secretly want immunity for my own unchecked flaws?
- Where in my life am I “punching down”- taking the frustration and powerlessness I feel from one relationship and taking it out on a safe, innocent person?
- Have I allowed myself to become a dumping ground for someone else’s unaddressed trauma under the false badge of “being a good friend”?
The Executive Proclamation
“Father, Most High Judge of the High Court, I repent for any instance where I have excused, covered, or defended abusive patterns out of fear or self-preservation. I disown the spirit of pre-paid immunity and refuse to participate in toxic systems. I declare that I will not be a dumping ground for another person’s unhandled bitterness, nor will I punch down on those around me. I take radical responsibility for my atmosphere, guard my boundaries with wisdom, and stand strictly in Your truth. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Take the Work Off the Airwaves
- Listen to the Deep-Dive: Catch Season 2, Episode 2 of the Sincere Milk & Solid Food podcast for the full breakdown of unsanctioned legal defense and how to execute a spiritual Writ of Quo Warranto against relational squatters! [Listen on Spotify / Apple Podcasts]
- Do the Deep Work: Visit www.sinceremilksolidfood.org to grab your copy of Guided Journal: Vol 1 to process your soul audits, clear out displaced resentment, and establish clean, Kingdom boundaries! [Shop the Bookstore]
- Are You Ready for Solid Food? Join our waitlist for The Believer’s Life Cycle book and receive Chapter 1 free! [Join the Waitlist]